2019年01月19日

イノシシとラムを食べた #ジビエ

昨日の夜、ジビエを食べに行った

お酒と一緒に


うまいものを食べるくらいしか楽しみがない 笑


食べ飲みしたものは、、、


ハムとかチーズとか前菜

村で採れたイノシシとキノコ

若いヒツジの肉(ラムであってマトンではない)

5種のチーズリゾット

パスタ入りのオムレツ


イタリアのビール

ホットワイン(ヴィンヴルレ)


以上!


イノシシ、全然獣臭くなくて、肉はほろほろしていて、とても美味しかった

ソースときのこともよく合った

3000円の価値はある


ラム

こちらはやっぱり独特の匂いがあるけど、それでも美味しかった


リゾットはふんだんにチーズが使われていて、

オムレツはパサパサしてあんま美味しくなかった 笑


ビールは飲みやすく、

ホットワインは甘党の私にとって、この上もなく美味しいものだった…



食べながら、色々話した


皆、置かれた状況が変わっていた

時とともに変わってゆく…


そこには悲しみもあれば、救いもある

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2019年01月17日

好きという感情 #執着

例えば、好きな人が自分の元から去っていく

そういう時、どう感じるだろう?


俺は、悲しい、辛いと思う


でも、なぜ…

その人は別に俺のものではない


なぜそう思う?


「好きだから」

好きという感情は、その表面だけ見れば、素晴らしいと思う

世界が輝き、心が踊るような感情は他のものでは代え難い


しかし、好きのすぐ後ろには、執着、占有欲、その他色々な欲(略)が渦巻いている


一見素晴らしいと呼ばれる感情であっても、「素晴らしくない」感情が一緒に渦巻いているし、

プラスの感情は容易にマイナスの感情に反転してしまう



また、好きな人が去っていくとき、

「しょうがないよな」とも思う

自分ではこの人は幸せにできないな、とか

諦めと正当化が心を占める


何が言いたかったかというと、


一つの感情に対して、様々な感情が渦巻いていて、

その感情は容易に反転し、揺れ動き、

ほかの感情で抑え込もうとする


当たり前のことだけれど、感情をかき乱す物事が面前にある時、冷静に心を見定めることは非常に難しい

また、正常な、適切な判断を下すこともまた、難しくなる

そして、忘れたいことに限って忘れられず、頭の中を何度も通す

不健康極まりないけど、下の歌詞(one ok rock, Heartacheより)みたいな感じになる


”It's so hard to forget

固く結んだその結び目は

Yeah so hard to forget

強く引けば引くほどに

You and all the regret

解けなくなって離れれなくなった”


、、、


今回は、好きという感情を例にとったが、

自分の執着しているものなら、なんでもこういうことが起きる

金とか、家とか、車とか、服とか

冷静な心を持ちたい


今回、

結論は特に持たずに書き始めてしまった

また、本当に書きたいことは書けなかった

いつものことか(笑)

posted by Rocky at 19:45 | Comment(0) | 日記 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2019年01月16日

幸文学と喪文学

今日、昼飯を食べるとき、中国人と話す機会があった

その人は日本文学が好きで、特に太宰治の「人間失格」が一番好きで、

芥川龍之介や夏目漱石も読むらしい。


とりあえず、太宰治の「正義と微笑」と夏目漱石の「坑夫」をすすめていおいた


あと、古典にも興味があるらしい

特に、「源氏物語」

「徒然草」は中国語で読んだが、「ただの日記じゃん」とのこと(笑)


本居宣長が国学の研究者で、「もののあわれ」を研究していたことまで知っていた


すごい・・・


中国では今、「喪文学」が流行っているらしい

字とか違ってるかもしれないけど、「そうぶんがく」と言っていた

なので、太宰治が人気なのだそうだ

「多くの中国の研究者が日本の近代文学を研究している」そう言って、中国語で書かれた論文をいくつか見せてくれた

中国語はわからないが、漢字はわかるので、文中に「太宰治」と書かれた文章がたくさんあるのが分かった

一昔前は、「幸文学」(こうぶんがく)が流行っていたらしい

漢字があらわすとおり、明るい小説が流行っていたようだ

どこの国にも、流行り廃りがあるんだなぁとしみじみと感じた


人間失格みたいなとことんまで暗い小説を読むと救われるんだよなぁ、ほんとに

こんな人間もいたのか・・・俺はまだましだな・・・みたいなしょうもない救いだけど


その中国人には俺の持ってる人間失格(DEATH NOTEの作者の絵が表紙を飾っている中二仕様)をあげようかなと思う

昼食では仕事ガンガン振ってくる上司の愚痴でもいようかと思っていたが、いい話ができた

posted by Rocky at 20:52 | Comment(0) | 日記 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2019年01月15日

俺は何者になりたかったのか #寝起き

寝起きの頭の中で考えた

俺は何者になりたかったのか


弟が、ちょうど進路選択の時期でもあり、それに触発される形だったのかもしれない。

そんなことを、考えていた


専門学校などを出て、「ゆるい」感じで生きていければよかったのではないか

それを背伸びして、国立大学に行って、今、面倒な仕事をしている

大変な思いをしてきたのだから・・・という思いから、面倒だとは思いつつも身動きが取れない


何者になりたかった?

何者かになるには、何がしたい?


金が稼ぎたいのか?自分に問うてみる

別に、エコノミックアニマルになるために生まれてきたわけではない

人に生まれながら、畜生道に自ら落ちているようなものだ

それは、使役されるがままの牛馬の道だ

もっと人らしく生きたい


では、働かずに暮らすか?自分に問うてみる

すると、それは「損」だ、と心が言う

苦労してきた(学費払って大学に行き、色々消費してきた)のに金稼がなくていいの?

損だよ、金を生まない生活なんて時間の浪費だよ、と囁く


わからない。

俺は矛盾した心を持っている


上の二つの考えの中庸をとると、

そんなには働かないが、「損」にならないくらい金を稼ぐ

ということになる


別に金でなくてもよいのだ

生活できればよいから「農作物」でもいい

ただ牛馬のようには働かない

そういう結論になる


だが、今の仕事を辞す、という行為はなかなか起こせない

それが、難しい

何が自分を引き留めるのか

引き留めるものなどなく、ただ現状を維持したいだけなのか、変えるのが面倒なのか、度胸がないのか


わからない。

わからないことが多い


また、林修がテレビに出てて、「やりたいことは偶然だが、できることは必然」というような事を言っていた

やりたいことは所詮、おかれた環境等、外部からの刷り込みであるとも


正直なところ、今の仕事は全然やりたいわけではない

就活の時に自分でも「できそうなもの」から選んだ


事実、記憶力がそこそこあって、普通に話せて、理不尽なことにも耐えられる精神力があれば、本当に誰でもできる仕事だった

急に上司の仕事を頼まれても普通にできる

要は、なんの専門性もない

そういう場所だ


俺は、本当に何者になりたかったんだろう

特に考えてこなかった

場当たり的に選んで、周りを伺いつつ大多数の歩むレールを外れないように生きてきた


だから、こんなこと考えるだけ無駄なのかもしれない


いろいろいってきたけど、

現状に不満を抱えているんだと思う


それは、仕事か、家族か、自分の行いか、自分の性格か、自分の言動か、友達か、何か自分を取り巻く環境の中に不満があるのだと思う


満ち足りた気持ちで過ごしたい、たぶん、それだけでいい

posted by Rocky at 20:00 | Comment(0) | 日記 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2019年01月14日

Diary of My Winter Break 1/1~1/7

A Japanese man's diary.

2019.1.1

I woke up at 9:30. The weather was good.

I went to BOOKOFF and got two books about Buddhism and investment. This was my first outside walk in 3 days.

BOOKOFF has been my friend since I was a high school student. I liked to be alone and didn’t have any ideas to pass my time, so I tried to find stuff. I found books and games were good and got them at BOOKOFF.  

We’ve been friends since then. I even worked there a little when I was a university student. I bought more than 200 books and 50 mangas at BOOKOFF during my university days. I wonder if they are useful to my life… I forget almost all of the content of them.

(I regret these acts now. I should have talked a lot with others and belonged to some clubs in university to make friends.  But I liked be alone, so it was easy, lonely though. I really have the personality of rocks.)


My family went to steak house Miya for lunch.

After eating steaks, my father got angry about a little thing. He stood up suddenly and went to the car.

We all sighed.

My grandfather paid for everyone.

He is a really good person, sometimes too much.


Why does my father always ruin the atmosphere?

Maybe, my bed living life style comes from these experiences. When I was out with my father, he went crazy and I felt really bad. Why then, should I to go outside to feel bad? It’s better to stay in my room by myself. I won’t be getting tired, I don’t want to feel bad…

I am sometimes ashamed to be his son and I try not to be like him.


I read the books I bought this morning. The themes are really different, Buddhism and investment… I think these two themes are opposites.

Why did I buy these two different books...

Maybe, I’m in two minds. One is to live happily without thinking about money and live “now,” the other one is to struggle to get money for the future.

Most religion says we have to live “now.”

And capitalism says “you have to work a lot or invest to get money, I don’t care about “now,” you need money to buy things, money leads to a happy life.”

I thought that I stopped thinking about money, when I chose this job, but it seemed I couldn’t. Capitalism is so strong these days…


I took a nap until 4pm. It was warm and a happy time:)


I ate octopus, radish, fish and soup for dinner.


I played “The Last Guardian” and summarized what I thought after reading “Wonder”



1/2

I woke up at 10:10.

I watched “Hey! Spring of Trivia” in my bed.

I ate an orange for breakfast.


My mother told me that my father said that “The gas hot water supplier at your grandparents’ house is stinky so tell them change it immediately” last night.

I felt depressed from the morning, outside was very very good weather though.

My grandparents changed their hot water supplier about one year ago because their electric one had broken. Why did my father say that? It’ll cost two million yen to change it. He is so mean. I really don’t like him.  He’s 54 now…he’s not a child anymore.


I thought that “I have to say something about this, but I don’t want to even talk with him… How can I manage it…”


I talked about it with my father but he replied “It’s like you put a car in my garden. It’s noisy and stink, it’s unacceptable, they have to talk to me in advance.”

I thought that you didn’t build good relationships with my grandparents. They are so kind but you have been mean to them. How can they talk to you?

I wanted to say that. But he was so mad and started to shout.

I could only say “I am totally disappointed with you. You can’t even talk.”

I knew it would end like this, but I couldn’t help talking about this, I like my grandparents.


He has been like this not only about my grandparents but everything. He has ruined a lot of things.

I don’t want to think that I am his son.

I’m scared one day I’ll be like him. I can’t imagine what a good family is. I can’t imagine what a good father is.

I can’t change others, so I want to go away from my family.

It’s my true feeling.


I saw my stones. They were so beautiful in the sunlight. I was comforted by my stones, thanks.


I played “Warframe” and watched YouTube.

I registered with Spotify and listened to Radiohead, radwimps and The Beatles.

This life style is getting boring.


I went to my grandparents’ house.

I said “You don’t have to listen to what my father said” to my grandfather.

But he said “It was my fault to move here”

“You didn’t do anything bad!” I said.

But maybe my grandparents will change this because they are so kind.

I ate a Haagen Dazs crispy, chestnuts, and pickles.

I promised to take them to a hot spring by car tomorrow.


I ate soba and tempura for dinner.


I read “Auggie and Me,” Pluto part till page 163.

Chris and his mother’s conversation was really funny.

I thought that R.J. Palacio, the author of the book, was man because there are lots of men characters in the book. But I knew that R.J. is woman from a picture on the internet today.



1/3

I woke up at 9:00.

It’s good weather and the last day of winter break.

Tomorrow, I’ll go to work.


I watched Koike Ryunosuke’s interview on YouTube. He is a monk in Japan. He said that “I don’t  have things I want to get. Because if there are a lot of things, we have to choose which one to use. It’s annoying. And I’m fulfilled already. I can live with \40000 to \50000 no… I have house so I can live with \30000, maybe”

This thinking is important in this capitalism society to live happily. Media won’t broadcast this kind of thinking, so I have to take the information.

And I also watched some comedy on YouTube.


I read “Auggie and Me” till page 204.


I ate a hot cheese egg toast and an orange for lunch.


I drove a car and picked up my grandparents and my younger bro to go to the hot spring.

There were a lot of cars in the parking lot of the hot spring and I couldn’t find a space to park.

I had never seen the hot spring so crowded like that.

We decided to go to another hot spring.

That one was crowded too, but we found place to park.

I learned three things this time.

@  I should go to the hot spring when it isn’t crowded because I can’t relax. (I have to be like a shrimp in a crowded bathtub because I’m so tall.)

A I should use a soft wash towel. (Today, I used a brand new towel to wash my body, it was so hard and hurt my skin.)

B It’s good to go inside the bathtub first and confirm there is space that I can relax. (I love during the first twenty minutes or so to go into tab. I really like feeling like my body is melting. But today I couldn’t feel this because I went to the outside tub first and it was very cold, before I leached the tub, I had lost my senses. Also, there was no space for me to relax. I was sad.)


I ate rice, shredded cabbage, fried pork, and shrimp for dinner.


I played “Warframe.”


I read through a book, a Buddhism book which I bought on 1/1.

I looked at Twitter and I found a video.

This video’s saying almost the same as the book I read.

https://www.ted.com/talks/andy_puddicombe_all_it_takes_is_10_mindful_minutes/transcript


Today is the end of winter break, so I made three new year’s resolutions.

1  Be kind.

2  Face what I did and take action.

3  Clean my room and desk.


1/4

I woke up at 7:15.

I went to work by train. It was freezing...

I ate good eel at my workplace.

The eel was so delicious:) It was the happiest time for me at my workplace.


I got back home from work and played “Warframe” while listening to ONE OK ROCK.

I read “Auggie and Me” a little too.


1/5

I got up at 9:30.

I went to a chiropractic office, this was my first time to visit.

Around near my right ear hurt when I am eating and my workplace’s chair and desk are so small for me so my body is like a boiled shrimp these days.

He couldn’t manage about my ear aching but he tried to manage about my “shrimp” problem.

I didn’t feel any better but it was good experience because I hadn’t experienced it before.

There were some machines which I had never seen before.


The chiropractic office is located in front of my elementary school.

I went to there and to go back home, I used the road which I used in my elementary school days.

Every single road had a lot of memories, most of them bad but some of them good.


I ate soba, tempura, and an orange for lunch.


I played “Warframe”

A person who I don’t know helped me a lot in the game.


I did meditation (like mindfulness) sometimes.

When l do this I am like an observer of my thinking.

And I always do it  in Japanese, but today I talked in English like “ I’m thinking about games”

I was so surprised. I stopped doing it to write about this.


I played “Warframe” till 3 am because I noticed that I could get stones in the game and took a lot of stones.

The stones were almost useless in the game like in reality.

I was so exhausted..

IMG_9498.JPG

I read “Auggie and Me” a little before I went to sleep.

I thought about story below.

Auggie cried because his mother didn’t tell him “Pluto is not a planet anymore”

I had the same feeling like Auggie when I was a child, at  the time I thought that my mother knew everything.



1/6

I woke up at about 9 am.


I ate a rice omelet for breakfast. It was a little bit heavy for breakfast and I took about 1 and a half hours to eat it all.


My hair got long, so I went to hair salon marble.

I waited at a tiny chair and table in the salon.

The atmosphere was good:)

Maybe, I’ll go again.


I bought a ham and cheese bread, matcha soy milk, coffee milk and two string cheese (sakechii in Japanese) for lunch.


I read “Auggie and Me”

I finished reading Pluto part and got to the Singaling part.


I played “Warframe” while drinking coffee milk.

I tried to drink straight strong coffee like an adult but I like sweet coffee so I added milk and lots of sugar.

I collected some stones in the game.



1/7

I woke up at 7:18.

I was so sleepy.

I ate some sliced apples for breakfast.

I took a bus to work. Outside was cold and frosty.


I had to do a lot of work which is usually my boss’ work. My boss asked me to do his job.

I felt bad but I couldn’t say anything. I am a weak person and my workplace is so bad…


I left my workplace earlier than usual and went to BOOKOFF. I bought a book about Buddhism.


I ate spaghetti and corn salad for dinner.


I played “Warframe”


I went to my friend’s house by bike and train.


I noticed one fact through writing these diaries.

My life, every day is the same.

posted by Rocky at 19:54 | Comment(0) | 日記 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
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